Many of the people I have the privilege of working with come to therapy with a similar goal: “I just want to be more confident.” While we’re certainly aligned in that goal, where we tend to differ is in how confidence is achieved.
Many people assume confidence is something they’ll gain before they speak up in a meeting, attend a social gathering, or make an avoided phone call. They find themselves waiting to feel less anxious, waiting until they know exactly what to say, or waiting until they’re sure they won’t embarrass themselves.
Understanding How Confidence Is Built
The truth is that confidence is more often developed after taking these steps, not before. Unfortunately, if we wait for confidence to arrive on its own, we may end up waiting a very long time.
Think about any skill you’ve learned, whether it was playing an instrument, learning a new sport, or starting a new job. If someone waited until they felt completely confident before picking up a guitar, they might never strum a single chord. Confidence doesn’t come first; it develops through practice and repetition.
Treating social anxiety works the same way. If we wait until we feel certain we can handle a social situation, we may never have the chance to find out. Confidence is often the result of repeatedly stepping into situations that feel uncomfortable and learning, through experience, that we are capable of handling them.
Using Exposure in Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
In cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), exposure is one strategy used to treat social anxiety disorder. Exposure involves intentionally approaching situations that anxiety may encourage you to avoid.
These exposures don’t have to start with something intense like giving a speech in front of people. They can start with small social risks in everyday life. These opportunities are easy to overlook, but they can become powerful practice for facing social anxiety (Hope et al., 2019).
Below are four everyday opportunities to take a small social risk and begin building confidence one interaction at a time.
1. Ask a Cashier How Their Day Is Going
For many people, a trip to the store is an opportunity to get in, pay, and leave as quickly as possible. Instead, challenge yourself to add one small step outside of your usual routine by asking the cashier, “How’s your day going?” or “Has it been busy today?”
This isn’t about having a long conversation or making a new friend. The goal is simply to practice initiating a brief interaction and allowing yourself to experience the uncertainty that comes with it. Each time you take this small social risk, you’re teaching yourself that you can tolerate the discomfort that comes with reaching out to someone.
2. Make Eye Contact and Smile as You Pass Someone
Social anxiety often encourages people to keep their heads down, avoid eye contact, or move through public spaces as if they are invisible. While these behaviors may reduce anxiety in the moment, they also reinforce the belief that social interactions are something to avoid.
The next time you pass someone, challenge yourself to make brief eye contact and offer a small smile. You don’t need to start a conversation or worry about how the other person responds. The goal isn’t to receive a certain reaction; it’s to practice being visible and discovering that you can tolerate the uncertainty that comes with even the smallest social interaction.
3. Allow a Brief Pause in Conversation Without Rushing to Fill the Silence
Many people with social anxiety experience moments of silence as something that needs to be fixed immediately. This can lead to overthinking, speaking too quickly, or feeling responsible for keeping every conversation going.
The next time you’re talking with someone, challenge yourself to let a brief pause happen naturally instead of rushing to fill the silence.
While it may feel uncomfortable at first, remember that pauses are a normal part of conversation and you are only responsible for 50% of the conversation. By resisting the urge to “rescue” the conversation, you’re practicing tolerating uncertainty and learning that a few seconds of silence are rarely as noticeable or meaningful as anxiety makes them seem.
4. Give Someone a Genuine Compliment
Giving someone a compliment can seem like a small interaction, but for someone experiencing social anxiety, it can bring up a lot of uncertainty. Thoughts like “What if they think I’m weird?”, “What if they don’t respond?”, or “What if it comes across awkwardly?” can make even a simple compliment feel uncomfortable.
Challenge yourself to offer a genuine compliment when the opportunity naturally comes up. This could be as simple as telling a coworker you appreciate their help, letting someone know you like their shirt, or acknowledging something positive you noticed about another person.
The goal is not to receive a certain reaction or guarantee that the interaction goes perfectly. The goal is to practice taking a small social risk by putting yourself out there and allowing the outcome to be uncertain. Each time you do this, you are building evidence that you can handle the discomfort that comes with social interactions.
Moving Forward with Everyday Risks
Building confidence does not mean waiting until you no longer feel nervous, awkward, or uncertain. Those feelings are a natural part of taking social risks. You need not eliminate discomfort before engaging with others. Instead, you will learn through your exposures that discomfort is something you can experience and yet still move forward.
Each small social risk is an opportunity to build confidence through experience. You are teaching yourself:
- “I can handle moments of uncertainty.”
- “I can tolerate feeling uncomfortable.”
- “I am capable of connecting with others even when anxiety shows up.”
Start small. Choose one opportunity this week to step outside your comfort zone. Confidence is not built in one big moment; it is built through the many small moments where you choose to engage instead of avoid.
[Edited and coordinated by Paul DePompo, PsyD, ABPP, NSAC Blog Coordinator.]Watch our 3-part self-help video series on how to structure your exposures as behavioral experiments to test and change your anxiety-causing thoughts and beliefs, and build self-confidence.
References:
Chowdhury N & Khandoker A H. (2023). The gold-standard treatment for social anxiety disorder: A roadmap for the future. Frontiers in Psychology, 13, Article 1070975.
Fang A, Sawyer AT, Asnaani A & Hofmann SG. (2013). Social mishap exposures for social anxiety disorder: An important treatment ingredient. Cognitive and Behavioral Practice, 20 (2), 213–220.
Hope DA, Heimberg RG & Turk CL. (2019). Managing social anxiety: A cognitive-behavioral therapy approach (3rd ed). Oxford University Press.
Kaczkurkin AN & Foa EB. (2015). Cognitive-behavioral therapy for anxiety disorders: An update on the empirical evidence. Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, 17 (3), 337–346.
