“I struggled with shyness and low self-esteem, specifically with regard to my physical appearance and feelings of attractiveness.”
My name is Dave and I’m a 37-year old straight, white male who grew up in an upper-middle-class home in the United States.
As a teenager, I struggled with shyness and low self-esteem, specifically with regard to my physical appearance and feelings of attractiveness. When my family moved to a new state when I was 15, it proved so difficult for me to come out of my shell and make friends, I did the opposite by withdrawing completely.
I told myself I’d start over in college, which I did by making some of the best male friends of my adult life in the first few days, but I continued to have little to no knowledge or experience in attracting and dating women.
This continued after college, as it only seemed to get harder in the real world. Each year that passed, I felt more and more embarrassed about my lack of experience with women. This created a negative feedback loop as it affected my self-esteem, thus making it increasingly difficult for me to gain the courage to gain the experience I so desired.
Finally, at the age of 25, I learned about social anxiety disorder when a coworker mentioned she had been living with it, and taking prescription drugs to keep her anxiety in check. She seemed completely normal to me – young, attractive, friendly.
My curiosity led me to the internet where I learned the telltale symptoms. Everything I read reminded me of myself and my experiences. Until then, I was fully aware of my introverted nature and tendency to be shy, however I was unaware of the degree to which my thoughts and perceptions had been distorted by negative self-talk.
After reading about the effectiveness of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I was excited to find a CBT group in Washington, DC led by Larry Cohen. Getting up the nerve to attend the free introductory session was a challenge, however the information I learned once there only made it easier for me to commit to the next 20-week class.
The therapy program was well-structured, and I learned that structure is exactly what I required to consistently work on overcoming my social anxiety. Experiments were performed on a weekly basis, and we had handouts which encouraged us to systematically record our thoughts and experiences between classes. Each member of the group was able to work at their own pace, and customize experiments to address their own particular fears. Being in a group environment allowed us to continuously provide feedback to one another. I was surprised to find how much I came to value my classmates’ feedback.
We also used role playing to experience anxiety-provoking situations in a safe environment. Each week, Larry introduced us to a new technique for overcoming our anxieties. Examples include cognitive restructuring [changing our distorted thinking], visualization and relaxation techniques. Since we were exposed and encouraged to try a variety of techniques, we were each able to figure out which approach worked best. While we worked on experiments each week, later in the therapy, time was spent focusing on our core beliefs, those attitudes which define the way we see ourselves, others, and life in general. This deeper focus allowed me to greatly improve my self-esteem.
Twelve years later, I can still say my experience with Cognitive Behavior Therapy changed my life for the better. Between educating myself on social anxiety and learning proven techniques to overcome it, I left the group feeling as though I was better equipped to face my fears, and the world.
The early results manifested themselves in the workplace and amongst friends, but with additional time and effort, I began building the kind of dating life I always wanted too.
Today, my sense of self-esteem is strong, and only getting stronger. The ability to overcome social anxiety, and all the smaller fears that fed into it helped give me the courage to take big risks later in life. I left my last job and the United States at the end of 2007 for a dream trip around the world. I visited 20 countries in a little over a year, found a new home in South America, and transitioned into a new career as a travel writer and entrepreneur.
There were times in my teens and early 20s when I feared I’d never be in a relationship. Looking back, I’m beyond grateful that I never gave up on myself, nor the ability for me to create the life I desired. I only wish I’d learned about social anxiety and cognitive behavioral therapy sooner.
Do you have a personal story of learning to overcome your social anxiety you wish to share?
If you are a former client of an NSAC-affiliated clinic or clinician, we welcome you to share your story if you believe doing so will be helpful for you. Sharing your story—or not doing so—will have no impact whatsoever on any future services you may seek from any NSAC-affiliated clinic or clinician.
You may put your story in writing, audio recording, or video. Discuss any of the following: how social anxiety affected your life; what you learned in therapy that was most helpful for you in lessening your social anxiety; how your life has changed as a result of your work.
NSAC reserves the right to decide which stories will be posted or not based on how helpful we believe they will be to other consumers. NSAC also reserves the right to edit for length and clarity, but we will get your approval on any changes before posting your story. All stories will be posted anonymously. Once posted, you retain the right to have the story removed from our website at any time.
Photo by samurai. freedigitalphotos.net