By “I don’t measure up.”
“I’m different than others and don’t fit in.”
“I’m socially inept / I’m bad at meeting people and making small talk.”
“I come across as nervous and awkward, which others see as weird and weak.”
“People find me uninteresting / unattractive.”
“In order to be accepted and liked, I must always… Continue reading
By Comparing and judging ourselves negatively
Do any of these thoughts sound familiar to you?
They’re better conversationalists than I am.
I’m not as interesting and knowledgeable as they are.
They’re better looking. I’m not in their league.
They’re much more successful and impressive than I am.
They come across as so confident, and I come across… Continue reading
By Romance, a minefield of social anxiety triggers
Many aspects of pursuing romantic relationships are major social anxiety triggers for many people. How do you relate to these scenarios?
Initiating conversation with someone you find attractive.
Sending a first message online to someone you find attractive.
Conversing in person with someone you find… Continue reading
By The perils of beating ourselves up
“I can’t believe I said that! I’m such an idiot!”
“I made the conversation so awkward and boring!”
“I came across as so anxious and weird! How can I ever face these people again?!”
“I made such a terrible impression! I’m humiliated!”
These are just a few examples of the kinds of harshly self-critical thoughts with… Continue reading
By “I’m bad at meeting people.”
“I’m socially inept.”
“People dislike chatting with me.”
“I’m a boring conversationalist.”
“Others can see that I’m anxious which they’ll think is weird, or will make them uncomfortable.”
“I’m an introvert. I shouldn’t be expected to mingle. Chit chat is for extroverts!”
“I hate small talk!”
These are common hot thoughts… Continue reading
By “Performance” anxiety, indeed! That’s precisely the problem: thinking of sex as a performance, as something we are doing that is being scrutinized and evaluated by an audience. This performance mindset leads many men to be self-conscious, self-critical, worried, tense and anxious while being sexual. This in turns often results in bringing about… Continue reading
By “What do I do with these upsetting thoughts that make me socially anxious?”
In a pair of previous blog posts, I explain the role of two strategies used in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) for dealing with upsetting thoughts that help cause our social anxiety: mindfulness and cognitive restructuring. Now I get into the nuts and bolts of… Continue reading
By Thoughts and Feelings in Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Social Anxiety
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) has repeatedly been shown to be the most effective treatment for social anxiety disorder for the large majority of people. A central principle in CBT is that what we feel—such as social anxiety—is created not directly by a situation we… Continue reading
By Upsetting Social Anxiety Thoughts
–I don’t know what to say. What do I say next?
–I might say something stupid / offensive.
–S/he’ll think I’m boring / stupid / unattractive / socially inept, and will dislike me.
–What I have to say isn’t good enough. No one will be interested.
–They can tell I’m anxious and will think I’m… Continue reading
By Negative Beliefs among Lesbian, Gay, Bi and Trans Individuals with Social Anxiety
–I’m fundamentally different, and don’t fit in.
–I’m not worthwhile unless I’m accepted by those I admire.
–I can’t be accepted by others unless I meet their expectations.
–If someone got to know the real me, they… Continue reading
By Many people mistake social anxiety with introversion. Introversion is a perfectly normal personality trait. More precisely, there is a continuum from extroversion to introversion that describes one dimension of personality. Those who are relatively extroverted have an innate disposition to interact with many different people, often in groups. Those who… Continue reading