Sheila
“But I’m not exaggerating!”
Sheila was as emphatic as she was resolute in her statement from the couch across from me. We started working together a few weeks ago with her primary goal to improve her comfort and engagement in social situations. We had spent considerable time doing a deep dive assessment.
Fear of judgment and rejection? Check.
Avoidance and dancing around social contact? Check.
Strong physiological and emotional reactions? Check.
A negative impact on her personal and professional well-being? Check.
And yet…
“Am I really blowing things out of proportion? You know my history, Shmuel. How many times has a supposed friend backstabbed me? How many times have potential dates rejected me? Pretty abrasively, I might add. Even strangers have been rude and inappropriate more times than I’d wish on anybody. Isn’t it reasonable at this point to assume that ‘what if?’ is more than just a mere possibility? Shouldn’t I protect myself?!”
Check.
Your move, Shmuel.
Sheila’s perspective raises a question I can only imagine has been shared by many others: where does reality end and social anxiety begin?
Can You Handle the Truth?
I don’t see my role as a cognitive-behavioral therapist to guide clients into thinking society around us is rainbows, butterflies, and kitten memes. To convince them that they are just being too negative. Just open your eyes to all the wonderful things the world has to offer.
The truth?
You want the truth?
The truth is that evil and good both exist in the world. There are billions of sincere people walking the globe who have good intentions and aren’t looking to harm anyone.
And…
There are millions who harm others. Who, for whatever reason, are selfish, rude, mean, and sometimes downright dangerous.
And…
As we traverse this planet during our lifetime there is no absolute predictor that will scan, alert, and protect us from others who may be a threat to us. The world is unpredictable. No matter how many sci-fi films we have seen.
What is Our Goal?
Let’s start with what we’re NOT trying to do in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) for social anxiety:
- We’re not trying to whitewash our experiences.
- We’re not trying to paint the world with a rainbow and sparkles brush.
- Nor are we using the gloom and doom brush.
We ARE trying to:
- Acknowledge our experiences and reality.
- Objectively explore what these experiences mean to us.
- Build the belief in our ability to assert ourselves.
- Willingly take social risks others who have a similar profile to ourselves would take.
Meaning
Internally, we evaluate our experiences we apply a distorted meaning to them. In other words, what does this happening tell me about myself, others, and the world beyond? Some are more significant than others.
I missed the game winning shot = “I’m a failed athlete.”
My classmate did not want to hang out this weekend = “I’m unlikable.”
However, a negative experience on its own, even if it happens multiple times, does not automatically equate a broad negative label. Let’s call a spade a spade. For sure. But nothing more than that!
I missed the game winning shot = “I wasn’t able to pull through that time. That stinks. Many factors of our team play led us to being down by a shot. I have been able to help my team win in the past.”
Standing Up in the Face of a Harsh Reality
“Shmuel, you can’t deny I’ve been left out and rejected dozens of times! Plenty of those were pretty harsh.”
Instead of looking at the accuracy of our predictions or assumptions about negative social interactions happening, what do we think of our ability to respond if they were to actually happen? Would I fall apart? Snap back? Freeze and take it?
Christine Padesky, PhD, developed a method to help people with social anxiety called Assertive Defense of Self. In layman’s terms it guides individuals to build up the skills to stand up, handle, or assert themselves in the face of criticism or rejection. If Sheila believes she cannot adequately respond when someone criticizes her or disapproves, her social world will rapidly shrink.
This combination of…
A) assessing and adjusting our thoughts, beliefs, meanings, or predictions about what did and will happen socially,
and
B) building the belief and skills to look undesirable social reactions in the face and move forward
…is a fantastic recipe for positive change.
Notice what we did NOT include: trying to convince ourselves that our painful reality is untrue.
Instead, we are choosing how to live within our profile of reality.
What It Looks Like
To articulate this, allow me to be a bit personal.
I am Jewish. An observant Orthodox Jew, in fact. With one glance that becomes apparent. I wear a Yarmulke (beanie, skullcap) on my head. Assuming they don’t confuse me as Amish, they will know pretty quickly that I am Jewish.
Based on that, what is my reality?
Does everybody like Jews (fair or unfair)? No.
Are there many who hate Jews? Yes.
Does the current climate create warm and fuzzy feelings for Jewish people? No.
Is it possible I could be attacked verbally, physically, or financially based on me being Jewish and statistics of antisemitic attacks in the US? Yup.
Have I experienced hateful and unsettling interactions in the past solely based on being Jewish? Yes.
I cannot change that reality. Desiring to change reality and ability to change reality are two very different things.
What I CAN do is:
- Choose what meaning about myself and the world I take from that reality.
- Resist over or underestimating the future probabilities based on my reality.
- Choose how I navigate the world based on my reality.
- Be intentional and confident in how I respond to hurtful social interactions that may occur within my reality.
Choose wisely 🙂
An important caveat: Of course, many people have endured traumatic experiences. Severe and chronic traumas. The impact of those experiences may need to be dealt with in a different manner than described above.
