Do you often feel like you don’t fit in? Do you think others see you as an outcast or strange? Do you struggle to form deep and meaningful connections? If so, you may have a social isolation schema. This schema can lead to social anxiety and avoidance along with other problems.
While many of us feel like we don’t fit in sometimes, with a social isolation schema, you have an internal dialogue that consistently tells you that you don’t belong, that you’re fundamentally different, and that you’ll never truly fit into any social group.
There are many different types of maladaptive schemas, but the social isolation schema is one of the most common with social anxiety. It is rare not to find it if you have social anxiety. Let’s take a look at this schema in more detail.
What Is an Early Maladaptive Schema?
Early maladaptive schemas are deeply ingrained cognitive and emotional patterns that repeat throughout our lives and sabotage our attempts to reach our hopes and dreams and live a fulfilling life. They are dysfunctional, self-defeating and resistant to change. Schemas are developed in childhood and adolescence and are activated throughout life.
What Is the Social Isolation Schema?
If you have a social isolation schema, you may struggle to form deep and meaningful connections with others. You may feel misunderstood or not truly known by others. You may feel anxious and uncomfortable in social situations and prefer isolation. Alternatively, you may have a large social circle but still feel a sense of separateness.
Some indicators of the social isolation schema include:
- Feeling weird, strange, or different from other people
- Thinking others see you as socially awkward
- Feeling like you do not fit in with other people or groups
- Overestimating how similar others in a group are to each other
Here are some common core beliefs if you have a social isolation schema:
- I am fundamentally different from other people.
- I have to try really hard to be accepted by others.
- I don’t belong; I’m a loner.
- I always feel on the outside of groups.
- No one really understands me.
- I sometimes feel as if I’m an alien, weird or an outcast.
How Does the Social Isolation Schema Form?
Some ways you might have developed this schema include:
- You might have grown up in a family where it was unsafe or unacceptable to be yourself. You may have had a different appearance or personality from your family members so you felt different and inadequate within your own family.
- You might have been different from others in your environment due to race, disability, sexual orientation or intelligence. If you were bullied or criticized for these differences, it only made things worse.
- Your family was different from other families due to ethnicity, military background, religion, or financial status, to name a few.
- You may have had a lack of opportunity to make close connections with others. If your family moved a lot, you may not have had the chance to develop close friendships and to feel like you belonged within a community.
No matter what the cause, if there was something that made you feel different from others as a child, a social isolation schema can develop.
What Happens When My Social Isolation Schema Gets Triggered?
When the social isolation schema gets triggered, it starts a vicious cycle beginning with negative thoughts and feelings. Your thoughts focus on how different or separate you are and suddenly your attention focuses inward. You may feel nervous or embarrassed. You may be reminded of times during childhood when you felt awkward and self conscious. Given this vicious cycle, it’s easy to see how the social isolation schema often leads to social anxiety.
Here’s an example of what this vicious cycle looks like:
You have negative thoughts such as:
- I don’t belong.
- I can’t relate to others.
- I feel different.
You feel:
- Lonely
- Anxious
- Ashamed
Your attention focuses on:
- Self-consciousness
- Being different
- Judgment and evaluation by others
You have childhood memories of:
- Being bullied or criticized
- Feeling inferior or different from other kids
- Your family being different
How Do You Respond When Your Social Isolation Schema Gets Triggered?
When your cycle gets triggered, there are three common ways you may react.
- Surrender: You assume if you feel socially awkward or strange, then it must be true. As a result, you may become a loner, further exacerbating your feelings of being different and an “outsider”.
- Avoidance: You may avoid social interactions because you worry people see you as awkward or weird. You might avoid forming close relationships. You fear being judged or ridiculed, and you can develop social anxiety.
- Over-compensation: You may be extra social to over-compensate for your feelings of being different. You change who you are to fit in, yet you feel lonely and disconnected despite being in social situations.
How Can I Start to Heal My Social Isolation Schema?
If a social isolation schema is at the root of your social anxiety, you can start by becoming aware of when your schema has been triggered. Then try to challenge the assumptions you have of being different or separate. Rather than looking for differences, focus on looking for connection and acceptance.
Try to find people that are similar to you in some way—they may share a hobby or come from a similar family background. Try to focus your attention on the ways in which you are similar to others. Slowly work towards facing the social situations that make you uncomfortable.
If you need help with working on your social isolation schema, schema therapy can help. It’s a cognitive, behavioral and emotion-focused therapy designed to work with deeply ingrained personality styles. To find a schema therapist or other cognitive-behavioral therapist (CBT), you can search NSAC’s database for NSAC-approved clinics with expertise in helping people with social anxiety in your state.
